I didn't really want to know this. "Anything else?"

"Yes, Jake." She looked at me for a second. "He wanted me... a couple times, I, I never talk about this stuff, so I don't know how to say. I took him in my mouth."

I tried not to show anything.

"How was it?"

"Mixed. Very mixed feelings. He was a good guy, Jake. A really good guy. You have to believe me."

"I do."

"But... I... it didn't. I felt like there should be something more happening than was."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if you, if you are being that intimate with someone, shouldn't I be feeling more than 'he's nice'?"

"Probably. I kind of felt the same with Kalia, that was her name. Well, I bet it was different, but she was hot and I liked her, but I knew after each date that I really just wanted to find out what this stuff was like. That was why I was going out, so that I could experience this stuff myself."

Thuy nodded. "It was actually my idea, not his. I wanted to see, too."

"Anything more to report?"

Thuy smiled and shook her heard.

"Crystal."

"Yep."

"A whole year with Crystal. I still can't believe it. She was sooo... Her freaking name was Crystal! You deserved so much more than her. That you wasted your time with... agh!"

"You've never given this up."

"Well, you keep repeating the process. She was never good enough for you!"

"You shouldn't judge her like that!"

"I'm not judging! I just know you. You were never really happy; you just liked having a girlfriend. You always settle! That's your biggest flaw. You deserved so much more!"

"Like who? Who else was I supposed to be dating that was better?"

"See? You can't honestly say she was the girl for you. You couldn't then and you can't now. She was just a nice girl."

"She was my Vee-jay, I guess."

"Who is this person?! You seem to have someone in mind."

"I don't know, Jake. But you have to find her somehow, some day. And you won't ever, if you give up on her too easily."

"Show this person to me or get off my back! I don't tell you whether or not your boyfriends are good enough for you!"

"Why not?! Don't you care?! Maybe I will spend my life with one of them, screwing everything up, and you will just let it happen! Why don't you say something?!"

"Because I can't see you with anyone, OK? Because I hate--" I paused, controlling myself. What I had just said didn't make a lick of sense. "I want you to be happy. I have faith that you will figure it out. You always do. I'm not the right person to help on this. You.... Thuy, I don't know what we are fighting about."

Thuy froze and said simply, "I don't know either. I don't know why we are fighting."

A million thoughts were swirling in my head from this evening, and all I could say was, "I don't know."

"Yes, you do. I mean-- that's not what I mean. It's just that all our lives people have wondered this. People have wanted to fix us up a hundred times. My friends ask about you. People at school who've never met you ask me about you. My mother asks me. Hell, your mom has asked me." I didn't say anything and she continued, "I know you think I look OK. If not, you fake it well. I haven't been checked out like you did in the driveway tonight in a long time. Your eyes made my Bs feel like DDs."

"I looked away!"

"I know. I don't know what I wanted to kiss you more for, looking or looking away."

Kiss me?

After a pause, still curled in the seat next to me but with her eyes open, Thuy said, "So?"

"I think that... I didn't want to risk it." There was silence. "Having you as a friend is too important to risk."

She took my hand and held it, then closed her eyes again, but spoke again after a pause. "I took you for granted, I think. It never occurred to me that you wouldn't be there, that...."